I want to move on from this upsetting state but I don’t know how. I even started writing it down as my prayer requests last month but I don’t think its working

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I want to move on from this upsetting state but I don’t know how. I even started writing it down as my prayer requests last month but I don’t think its working. It’s utterly difficult especially when almost everything reminds me of her.

I can’t make love to a girl on my bed cause that’s where she had her first sex. On that bed, when she saw her blood stain on the blue bed sheet, she cried and I hugged her tight and promised to never let go. At least she can’t say I broke my promise. I don’t go to the cinema any longer cause I hear her soft chuckle and muffled moans all around me. My mum still thinks we are together because I haven’t summoned the courage to break her heart like my ex broke mine.
I had just finished cancelling important appointments for the week for a week long getaway she’s been postponing since last month. I was booking and making hotel reservations in Abuja when my phone rang.
“My guy my guy, how far nah”, I excitedly hailed my best man to be.
“Guy I dey, how your girl?”
“This one you dey ask about my girl, she promise you rice?”
“Guy calm down abeg. You don shoot the hole?”
“Which kind talk be this one nah?” I asked getting uncomfortable. Guys find it normal to talk about their sex episodes with their guys but I don’t, especially when it’s sex with a girl I am dating. They say I am too soft that’s why ladies mess with me.
“No be that kind hole, I see picture of your girl with baby bump”. He blurt out. I laughed it off and told him to get a job. 
As much as I had tried to get that thought off my mind, I couldn’t. I know my guy; he can’t just come up with such nonsense so I let curiosity clothe me in its endearing garment. I searched through Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for any such picture but found none. I almost gave up the search when I came across a snap story of one of her ‘slay queen’ friends. In the picture, she was wearing the black gown I had gotten her the last time we saw, which was last two months. For a second, I forgot why I was seriously searching for her recent pictures and started admiring how well the gown hugged her curves. Then I saw the bump. Maybe it’s mine, I had thought to myself. But the bump looked older than 2 months or three months. I didn’t have to guess the paternity of the unborn baby anymore as the caption; ‘4 months to go’ took me out of my guessing misery.

I mourned for a week and only got out of the house because my rescheduled appointments had to be attended to. She never called or paid a visit. Maybe I would have forgiven her, maybe we would have welcomed the baby as a sign that no form of boulder could crush our love or wreck our relationship. I needed her to know that I will try and forgive her and treat her baby like it were mine but she never called. She simply abandoned me to dine alone in my gloom and heartache.

I want to move but I don’t know how.

Nothing makes sense anymore; I can’t have a decent date without blanking out. It’s been two years since she walked out on me with another man’s child. She is a single mother, hustling to fend for herself and her 2 years old daughter. She bakes from the comfort of her one bedroom apartment. Though she makes enough to keep her afloat, it’s never enough. Her skin looked pale and scabby from the recent pictures she managed to upload once in a while. I promise I am not stalking her.
If only I could see her and ask her myself; why?
I secretly recommend her to my friends and clients living nearby. I even ask my secretary to place orders for cup cakes to be sent to a charity home close to her town monthly.

I want to move on but is it really what I need?

can a lady really reason with a broke guy???

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